7 signs of manipulation in relationships (and how to deal with them) (2023)

Manipulation is more prevalent in relationships today than ever before. With the rise of social media and the decline in interpersonal skills, people are becoming more and more manipulative.

But manipulation in relationships isn't always the result of malicious intent. In fact, it is often innocent and harmless. In most cases, the person performing the manipulation does not even know that they are manipulating their partner. In some cases, they are aware of it but believe it is harmless. In some cases, manipulation is part of a toxic pattern in the relationship and lasts forever.

But you have to be careful with any kind of manipulation in the relationship. While it can be harmless at times, manipulation can quickly become a toxic pattern if you don't manage it properly and discuss it with your partner.

Signs of manipulation in a relationship

Let's look at some common types of manipulation in a relationship:

1. Secret Treaties

The term “hidden contract” is coined by Dr. Robert Glover in his book No More Mr. Nice Guy.^[1]This type of manipulation is very common among men who feel insecure in a relationship. But it can also be observed in women.

A secret contract is simply a contract that many people make up in their minds but never actually discuss with their partner. They will do their partner a favor and expect something in return.

For example: “I will buy the dress you like. I'm sure he'll have sex with me tonight."

Or an extreme case of such a contract could be: “I will finance your education and support you in your career. In return, I am sure that she will love me and be faithful to me.

When things don't go as planned, they naturally get upset and that leads to a fight. Sometimes they keep their anger inside and it smolders until it explodes. But this kind of manipulation never leads to anything good.

2. The trap

"Do you think she looks good in that dress?""Yes, of course."i knew you liked it How long have you been obsessed with her?

A common type of manipulation people use is setting up their partner. It can be as simple as a word trap. Or something extremely complicated and manipulative like getting a friend to flirt with their partner.

In any case, it is wrong and how you should react depends on your intentions and reasons for the manipulation.

3. The silent treatment

Issilent treatmentIt's the type of manipulation that many people prefer. Instead of talking about the issue at hand, they choose to treat their partner with silence.

Well, the silent treatment itself isn't bad. Quite often, sitting still and thinking about the problem to come to a conclusion can help you. But some people do this with the intention of punishing their partner and winning the argument.

But if they remain silent until you apologize, even if you are not wrong, then you have a master manipulator on your hands and you need to solve this problem as soon as possible.

4. Reviewing Your Messages

Another type of manipulation people use is to constantly check your messages behind your back or in front of you.

In most cases it is a breach of trust and privacy. But some people learn to manipulate their partners into accepting this behavior. They will say things like:"If you have nothing to hide, why do you care?"

This type of manipulation is often common in relationships where one partner has trust issues. These trust issues are usually the result of something that happened in the relationship.

But in many cases, these trust issues are simply a partner's insecurity seeping into the relationship.

5. Gizmos in social networks

Social media has made manipulation very easy. You will often find passive-aggressive comments and a variety of different manipulation tactics used by people who love social media manipulation.

If your partner uses social media to manipulate you, it's probably to make you jealous or put you down. You can do things like

• Post pictures with someone of the opposite sex.
• Post passively aggressive quotes that may be aimed at you. Things like, "If you can't handle my worst, you don't deserve my best."
• Actively like and comment on the status or photos of an ex or someone you're jealous of.

6. Hold back sex to get what you want

The first thing that comes to mind is a very direct type of manipulation that many people see in their relationship. It's fairly common in women, but men have been known to do it too.

They refuse sex to their partner because they don't get what they want. Sometimes they withhold sex to punish a partner for doing something they don't like.

"Didn't you take out the trash? Well, don't expect any action tonight.

"You didn't buy me the necklace I wanted? You won't see me naked until you do.

Withholding sex isn't always a big problem in a healthy relationship. So if your partner is just doing this to annoy you or is playing games, that's fine and you shouldn't worry about it.

It's also understandable if they're really mad at you about something and need time to vent the anger before they feel comfortable enough to have sex.

But it becomes a problem when they withhold sex just to punish you or get something out of you.

To know if this is manipulation or if your partner is genuinely mad at you, you need to empathize and try to see how you would react if you were in their situation.

You lied to them about something important and they feel like they can't trust you now?

If so, it's understandable that he doesn't want to have sex right now because he doesn't trust you. Give them some time and listen to them. Try to talk about the problem and come up with a solution together. Treat them with respect and understanding and they will soon trust you again.

Are they upset that you didn't get them the birthday present they wanted?

If so, chances are they only want you for the money and are trying to "train" you to do what they want.

7. The controller of life

This type of manipulation is subtle. Because you don't even realize you're being manipulated. You will feel that they are helping you. But in reality, they will control your life and make it the way they want.

Now let me be clear, healthy couples support each other and help each other make important life decisions. But some people take it to the next level where it merges with manipulation.

When you have a partner who controls every aspect of your life, eventually you will stop feeling like yourself and start feeling like you are living someone else's life. It's a good idea to confront her and talk about it before you get upset and end up in a bad breakup.

How to deal with manipulation in a relationship

Dealing with manipulation in a relationship boils down to 3 things:

1. Introspection

The first step, introspection, is to look within yourself and ask yourself if you have done anything to justify this manipulation.

Has your partner tried to talk to you and you ignored them?

Have you neglected some needs your partner has told you about?

And most importantly, have you manipulated in any way that caused your partner to manipulate you as well?

It's important to be honest with yourself. If you're not sure, it's helpful to talk to someone close to you and get their opinion on the matter. If you do decide to raise the matter with someone, be sure to give them an unbiased view of what happened.

2. Intention and demonstration of empathy

The second step is to discover your partner's intent. In other words, it means putting yourself in their shoes and trying to feel what they were feeling. Your goal here is to try to understand them and find out where they come from.

Is your partner manipulative because they are insecure and don't know how to communicate properly? Or could it be that they're just upset about something serious and this manipulation is just a way of getting validation from you?

If you are unsure of your intent, you should not make any assumptions. Instead, just talk to them about it.

If you speak to them, make sure you do so with the intention of understanding them and coming to a conclusion; don't blame them and reach a higher moral level.

3. Communication

The third step, communication, is the most important step of all.

With proper communication, you can pretty much resolve any issue in your relationship. You may not be able to resolve your partner's childhood issues and bad habits formed over the years. But you can bring these issues to the surface and find a way to solve them together.

Remember, whenever you decide to communicate, do so clearly and with intent to resolve the issue. It is best to follow the model below when dealing with handling issues of any kind.

"When you performed [the exact manipulation action] I felt disconnected from you because it feels like manipulation and that means you don't trust me enough to communicate directly. I want this relationship to work and that we can communicate better. I really want to understand why you did this. Is it because of [your assumption of his intent]?”

When your partner gets angry, remind them that you love them and aren't trying to blame them or put them down. You just want to understand them and make sure you can both communicate.

If you are not willing to solve problems and discuss them, even if you have tried several times, chances are your partner is not ready to learn and grow. And you should seriously consider ending this relationship.

final thoughts

Manipulation can become a toxic pattern in a relationship. It is better to approach the manipulation as soon as possible. The longer you ignore it, the harder it is to spot and change the behavior.

It will take some effort from both partners to get rid of the toxic manipulation in your relationship. If one of the partners is not ready to make an effort, then it is better to think about ending the relationship.

Featured Photo Credits:Ashley Schulze via unsplash.com